Kate Middleton is Pregnant. Who is the REAL father?

Nothing against William, but I’m sure is plenty of speculation on Kate’s bump. It’s not because we doubt his ability to procreate. But it's because we are aware of, let’s say,  a number of “contenders”  who are quite capable of utilising their crown jewels

Prince Harry – 6 to 4 chance

The firm favourite of course. William’s brother is consistently reported on every year in the tabloid press , often in controversial circumstances, usually involving women.  This is the royal who lets no paparazzi photographer stand in his way of having “a fuckin laugh”. Would it really be unthinkable that he would betray his own (half) brother?

All I’m going to say is, if there is even a single strand of ginger hair when that baby is born….

James Hewitt – 2 to 1 chance

A.K.A Prince Harry’s dad. (For legal reasons, I must state that the prior statement was intended to be humorous in nature, and is in no way declaring that James Hewitt is indeed Prince Harry’s father).

This upper class bad boy is no stranger to dipping his pen in royal ink. And who’s to say he wouldn’t have a go again?

Prince Charles 8 to 1 chance

Underneath that tree-hugging philanthropist image, is a lonely man in need of affection. Camilla is the antipathy of warmth and fondness. And Chaz has spent many a long weekend, looking after his first son’s daughter. Something MUST have happened.

Prince Phillip 12 to 1 chance

Blunt replies and lengthy trips to the hospital? All a foil to deflect the media from the real issue.

John Terry 15 to 1 chance

Injured for the last few weeks. Kate Middleton suddenly pregnant. Coincidence? [Apologies, this one has been plagiarised]

 David Cameron 20 to 1 chance

Suddenly he wants to change the rules so that every royal first born, no matter what gender, is first in line the throne? Who are you kidding Dave? That smarmy Eton smile is fooling no one.

Usain Bolt 100 to 1 chance

Good friends with Harry, sharing some fellow ‘lads banter’ with the ginger prince. His constant forays into the UK to promote himself and his Virgin Broadband, could easily have afforded him an opportunity to get to know the Royals even better.  And he’d make a speedy exit undetected out of that royal palace too.

Could Usain Bolt actually play for Manchester United?

I don’t think Usain Bolt had his tongue anywhere near his cheek this week, when he remarked in an interview with the BBC that he would one day like to play for Manchester United after hanging up his running shoes.

I have never seen Bolt with a football and have absolutely no idea what his skills with one are like. However, I will try and make some sort of honest assessment of how he would fair in football, based on what he has now.

Speed

Well, he is the fastest man in the world. That alone is a significant advantage. Forget the fact that his first, second and third touch would all probably send the ball 5 metres ahead, beside or behind him. His, quite frankly, frightening pace would compensate for this and allow him to catch up with it before any other player can intercept it. Ashley Cole, Aaron Lennon and Theo Walcott would all be eating his dust. And let’s be honest, when you’re in the Premiership, speed can make any below average player significantly better. Just look at Gabriel Agbonlahor.

Height

Manchester United lack a target man. And at 6ft 5 inches, Usain would be the perfect target to aim for. Height, like speed, compensates for lack of footballing skill in the Premiership. One only needs to look at Nikola Zigic and Nicklas Bentdner for evidence. In fact, I’m pretty sure, given his immense speed, that Usain Bolt could chase his own flick-ons from goal kicks. He could be making a mockery of experienced defenders like John Terry.

A United striker in the making?

Strength

The man has one of the mostly finely honed bodies in athletics. Frank Lampard would look even more of an abusing pie eater next to him. I mean Usain’s arms are almost as wide as my torso. He would be battering his way through defences Drogba-style with ease. The Arsenal defence would be torn to shreds.

Attitude

Usain is extremely dedicated to his training. He doesn’t drink alcohol at all, and when he goes clubbing you won’t ever see him in tabloids the next day falling into a taxi with Kingston’s finest. Alex Ferguson loves players like these. Just look at all the role models that have stayed at Manchester United for most of their careers: Ole Gunnar Solskjær, Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs. Actually, I think that last one might need revising.

Conclusion

So could Usain Bolt play for Manchester United? I definitely think so. All they would need to do is to teach the guy to be able to vaguely kick a ball in one direction, and they could possibly have one of the deadliest players in the Premiership. Possibly.